I know from the tittle you would think that this is about my body image and how I don't like the way I look. Well you would be wrong. I love my body image and think I am great they way I am. This is about my inside body and how it sucks having an illness that is only on the inside.
Some people know that I have an illness but most don't. I like people not knowing because then I don't have to see the pity in their eyes or the look people make when they think you are lying. But Lately I have decided that I should just vent about it and let people in a lil of my day to day world. So here I go being open and letting you all know what it is like.
OK, so we will start with the simple stuff like the name of the disease and what it means. It is called Congenital Hepatic Fibrosis. It is a liver disease that makes it turn into scar tissue. This is a rare disease and is mostly found in European countries. How the disease works all depends on the person which makes it hard to predict what will actually happen to a person that has this disease. It is usually found in childhood but in rare cases it can show up in your later teens. Mine was found when I was 19.
As i stated earlier it has no set course so here is how mine showed up. I got a blood clot in the main hepatic vain going to my liver. I had just been put on birth control so they thought that it was what had caused it put me on blood thinners and left it at that. I started to get horrible pain in my stomach and was going to the E.R. once a week or so for it and my doctor did a bunch of tests that showed my liver and spleen were larger then they should be. My doctor sent me to the Mayo clinic in MN to a liver doctor to see if they could figure out what was wrong. My younger brother had the same liver disease so they did a biopsy to check for it . It came back that I was stage 4 of 4 of the disease. For those of you who don't know what that means it meant that my liver was very scared and it wasn't healing it self like livers do.
Even though I was stage 4 the doctors said that my liver was working well enough that they thought that I would never have to have a liver transplant. I was put on meds to help with some of the symptoms and I go for check ups every 6 months because even though they don't think I will ever have to have a transplant my liver could just decide to give out on day and I would . There are no meds to treat the disease only the symptoms that come along with it.
So how has my disease progressed you may wonder. My spleen which helps the liver out and controls your blood counts is now enlarged along with my liver because of the blood clot I had made the flow to my liver harder to go through then the one to my spleen. This makes my my spleen think that there is too much red blood cells and platelets in my blood so it eats them and makes my counts drop low. Which causes me to become anemic and bruise really easily. I have pain because of them being enlarged.( Imagine that you are trying to stick two basketballs where there is supposed to be two softballs ). Another bad thing about my spleen being involved with it is my immune system is crappy and I get sick very fast and it takes a while to get over it.
The thing that I hate the most is that it makes my kink life get very compromised. I know that it is dumb but there are a ton of times that I would love to play but my body says no way. Right now I am I can't even have sex most of the time because of my immune system being crappy my felopin tube is enlarged and filled with fluid which converts to pain with sex.
I kind of wish my liver would get worse so that I could get a liver transplant which in turn would make my spleen not having to work as hard and I would feel better. But that doesn't look like it will be happening any time soon. My doctors say I am kinda in a catch 22. My spleen is worse then my liver and they could take it out but then if I ever needed a liver transplant I couldn't have one without having my spleen. So this is why I hat my body and why some days I can't get out of bed or come to a party or have a scene.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
How do I start to trust my self again?
So I am going to open a wound so that hopefully it will help me. But I have no idea if it will but here goes.
Almost a year ago I went to my first big BDSM funtion. Duckstock. I had just broken up with Jason as my boyfriend and we were trying to figure out where we went from there. I went with a group from the Society which made me feel like I could go without him and still be in the safety of poeple I trusted.
Jason and I had talked to a leader and what I thought was a friend at the time. We will call him M. We both had known my for the year and a half that we had been in the Society and I had scened with him a hand full of times. Which is to say I trusted him. M promised Jason that he would look after me and that he wouldn't let any harm come to me. ( When I get in a place around alot of dominant people I am kinda like a kid in a candy store that wants to try everything but doesn't think of the stomach ach it will cause after.) I sometimes push myself to please others even if it might cause me harm. I also forget to eat and if not reminded to. M promised he would make sure I ate and if I wanted to play that I had to make sure he knew who I was going to play with and keep an eye out for me. He said that his friend x would help if he needed it.
The weekend before the event I went to a party in Wilmington by myself because Jason didn't want to dress up. I figured this would let me feel more comfortable with having to spend the night before we left at m's house because that was where the party was at. It also allowed me to bring my stuff to get packed up before tuesday night.
When I got there everything was normal and M asked how I was doing with the whole break up thing with Jason. We talked for a lil bit well he was getting things ready for the grill. He said that we would scene later to help me brain have a break.
I got dolled up because of the party and got my pictures taken which I loved. I had my first rope scene since moving down and it was a great relaxer.
M had a girlfriend(N) and at one point he made the comment to me that he might be in the same place I was by the end of the night. I knew N because they had been together for a long time. After I got done with my rope scene I could tell when I saw M that N had broken up with him. We talked a lil bit and made the packed that we were going to let the exs ruin our trip we were going to make sure that each other had fun. He told me the reason that they broke up was she wanted something different.
On tuesday night, Jason dropped my of at the house and him and M talked for a bit then Jason left. I went inside and M finished packing up the camper and joined me inside. We talked for a bit about how he was doing since like me N still lived with him. He talked for a while and said she seemed happier now and that she would be home later and she even suggested that we scene if we wanted. I wasn't in the mood to scene right then and he wasn't either. He asked if there was anything that was of limits for the trip like sex. I told him i could do what I wanted. We watch TV for a bit the he said that he had to finish packing and then get the toys he was taking ready. I went to get in my pjs and brush my teeth.
As I walked by the toy room He called out for me to come in for a second he wanted to show me a toy. I love looking and feeling new toys! He smacked me a few times litely with it then he went harder with me bent over a massage table. Inpropt to scene insued for about 5-6 mins and I had pretty marks on my butt for the new toy which is one of the reasons I love new toys. Jason texted through the evening and he called and we talked and I told him I had pretty marks. N came home and we said hi and then we both were busy texting.
(I don't have a lot of friends that are girls because I feel acward around them.) So other then polite convo we didn't say much then we went to sleep.
M and N had to work the next day so after setting watching TV for a while I felt like I needed to do something with all the energy I had. I noticed that there was laundry that could be done so I text M to asked about the clothes to make sure I knew what was dirty and what was clean. I dryed and folded everything that was there put away the towels and stuff that went in the linen closet. M texted me and said I was a good girl and that I would get a reward when he got home.
This is the part I haven't told a soul. He said Hatchi. I responded with a giggle. So when he got home he took me to the play room. He took off my clothes and used the wand on me and his fingers. I enjoyed it alot and the before I knew what happened he had pulled me to the edge and was in me.. I was kinda in shock but I just went with it because we were to unattached adults. After I went to take a quik shower. Then he went to take a shower and other group member start to show up. Everything got packed in the vicheles and we split up into to vichiles. N was driving one and there were mostly girls in the group so I choose to ride in the truck with that M was driving and another male was in because as I said before I don't do great with females.
I was mostly in my own world because Jason was texting a ton and I was dealing with that even though this trip was supposed to be about me having space and figureing things out in my head. So I was getting frusrated that he wasn't giving me that.
We stopped For food meeting up with a couple from the group that was going too. She(X) was one of the few females that I got along with so when they went out for a smoke I went out with them so I could talk with her. m smoked so he came too.
We stopped late at a motel for the night which had been the plan all along and the guys opted to get two rooms because of how many there were of us. I had the room keys so i opend up both rooms set my stuff in one and told people to pick a room. M and I ended up being the only two in the one room. I called Jason to tell him we had stopped and that I was crashing we proceeded to get in a fight and I finally just tole him it was late and I was going to bed. Well, I was on the phone N came in the room for a bit. Her and M got in a fight I am guessing because she left.
I was feeling so stress and felt so a lone that when M suggest I come over to his bed and cuddle I did because I just wanted to feel close to someone. He started to kiss my neck and we ended up having sex. again. I woke up in the morning and got ready for the day. I called Jason to let him know we were up and heading out soon. I did tell him about cuddling with M but I was not in the mood for a lecture about not using protection since that was one of the things I was supposed to be doing. ( I have a bad habit of getting caught up in the moment and forgetting about protection.) Plus I figured M had only been with N for the past 3 years so I was sure he would be clean. Jason kept texting me all day and it was hard for me to deal it.
After we got to the camp everyone started to set up. M and N went and had a long convo in the camper and when he came out I felt something had changed. Wel N as helping someone else with a tent I asked M if the were back together or what was going on. All he said was that she was jealous and he was trying to apease her and we would talk later. I was like ok and he went to go help with the tent too. the other couple showed up and I started to hang out with them and kept dealing with jason's text and when he finally got around to asking if M and I had had sex ,which I knew was coming, I lied .
The next morning I woke up and had some mucsle cramping so I knew I needed bananas and also an electic cord for my air matress. N was the one who took us into town and I sat in the way back because there were too many people to all be in the back set of the jeep. Every store we went into I felt like N was trying to keep me as afr away from M as posible.We went to a few stores then N went in to a store to go to an atm so I text M. I ask how he was doing and told him that I felt like N wanted me now were near him. He said that she was being a bitch and he was sorry.
I was still dealing with Jason texting me every hour or so wanting to know what I was doing. I texted and asked M if he was still going to give me a beating that night or if I should ask someone else. I knew I really needed one but understood if he didn't feel he could do it. He said that he was still planning on it.
I hug out with X a lot and the went to the water wrestling which was tons of fun. I met Superman( nickname for his underwear he was wearing. I decided to wresle him even though he was like 6'5 and total mucsle. I took him down ( though I cheated a lill because I aciddently scartched him.) After that we used the trap as a slip and slide. At one point a cute guy came up and talked to us. He was in a kilt and had floogers hanging off his side and I thought of trying to find him later to try them out. lol
After that I headed back to the campsite to get dryed off before it was opening cerimonies. Jason called and we talked and fought again and I finally said enough to him I told him I was not going to talk to him for at least the next 24 hours because I needed the space to think and just have fun. By the time I got done talking to him everyone had already left so I ran to catch up to them.
They were all seating toward the back so i found a spot by M to tell him when we got back I needed to give him my phone so I couldn't talk to Jason because I didn't trust my self not to answer if he text or called. He said ok. opening ceremony was fun and made me feel a lil more relaxed. They had a special drink for duck stock and at the end they had every line up to get some. I didn't want any because h knew I had been drinking too much that day already.
When I got back the only person there was M. he was on his phone talking to his kid on the phone. I told himhe needed to start having fun and stop letting her ruin it per are agreement. I went to my tent to grab my phone I opened the camper door and stepped up on the steps so I could hand him my phone. As I was steeping back down N came back and she looked pissed. I just sat as far away from the camper as I could and waited for everyone to get back. As dinner cooked and we ate I sat next to X and could feel N's eyes on me the whole time and when I looked over she had a look on her face that if the could kill I would be dead.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore I walked over to her and asked her if she had a problem with me. She looked suprised and you could see she was biting her tongue. She said no. and I knew she was lieing by the way she was looking away from me when she said it. I went to my tent deciding that I was just not going to be part of the group for the rest of the trip and went to burring my head in a book which is my safe place.
About three minutes later there was a nock on my tent. N asked if she could come in. She said that she was not going to be there long. She said that she did not want drama started in her group and that I should have pulled her to the side if I wanted to talk to her. I said that she was the one causeing the drama because everyone could see the looks she was giving me and that she should have talked to me. She said that she didn't care if I wanted to be with M but that I should respect her enough to not flount it in her face and brought up the beating that I shouldn't have done with him. That was when I knew that he had lied to me. She said they were together for three year and that this was really hard on her and I was like then why did you brake up with him and she told me he cheated on her. that was when I was totally shattered. I told her that everything we had done he had be the one to start it.
I was shacking I was so divisated how had I read him soooo sooo wrong? Some one I thought I knew and could trust had lied to me and used the fact that I was so varible to use me. I asked someone to get my phone and I called Jason to come get me. He knew something was wrong when I called him I couldn't even talk for the first minute I was crying so hard. When I told him what had happened he was pissed. He was going to come get me.
M tryed to talk his way out of it and finally came clean to N. She apoligized to me and talked me into staying for the weekend. I talked Jason and told him I needed to stay. I did and I went to some classes and stayed as far away from M as I could get. I was hoping that I could ride with someone else but there was no such luck everyone either had left already or wasn't going straight home. so I rode in the back and barely said a word the whole ride home I slept most of it which I knew wasn't good because the on;y time I slept in a vichele was when I was sick. I called Jason when we were about an hour from M's house so that he could head out and I wouldn't have to be there long after we got there.
When we returned and everything was pulled out the other male left and it was just M and I there. He went inside and I sat with my stuff in the yard trying to will Jason to be there. He came out and sat on the steps. He said he owed me an apolygy and said he shouldn't have put me in that situation. I looked at him and asked him why he lied because I would have understand and that he had put even more stress on my when he already knew how much I was dealing with and that I was probably going to be sick from all the stress. I told him he probably wasn't going to be seeing me around the groups for a while. he told me that he was quiting fet and not going to be a leader anymore until he got things straight in his head.
He went inside I sat with tears running down my face as Jason pulled in the drive. He rushed over and asked what happened and if I was ok. I told him I just wanted to go home.
It took me a couple of months to go to a party but He wasn't supposed to be there so I thought it would be safe and I didn't want him to have that much power in my life. He was there and it took everything I had not to run away but I held my ground because I wanted to learn what they were teaching at the educational. Jason stayed close and thankfully M stayed far away. We didn't stay for the play party after though. It took me over 6 months to even be ok with doing public scening again and I have to still keep this memory locked up tight or it comes in my head well scening and I have a hard time pushing past it.
I miss scening with other people as the top. Every top has a different way of doing things and I love learning from that. I just don't trust myself anymore to pick a top. I used to jump on the chance with someone new because I trusted my insticist to tell me I was safe. Now I feel like that is gone and if sucks. I am just trying and hoping someone will have advice on how I can trust myself again.
Almost a year ago I went to my first big BDSM funtion. Duckstock. I had just broken up with Jason as my boyfriend and we were trying to figure out where we went from there. I went with a group from the Society which made me feel like I could go without him and still be in the safety of poeple I trusted.
Jason and I had talked to a leader and what I thought was a friend at the time. We will call him M. We both had known my for the year and a half that we had been in the Society and I had scened with him a hand full of times. Which is to say I trusted him. M promised Jason that he would look after me and that he wouldn't let any harm come to me. ( When I get in a place around alot of dominant people I am kinda like a kid in a candy store that wants to try everything but doesn't think of the stomach ach it will cause after.) I sometimes push myself to please others even if it might cause me harm. I also forget to eat and if not reminded to. M promised he would make sure I ate and if I wanted to play that I had to make sure he knew who I was going to play with and keep an eye out for me. He said that his friend x would help if he needed it.
The weekend before the event I went to a party in Wilmington by myself because Jason didn't want to dress up. I figured this would let me feel more comfortable with having to spend the night before we left at m's house because that was where the party was at. It also allowed me to bring my stuff to get packed up before tuesday night.
When I got there everything was normal and M asked how I was doing with the whole break up thing with Jason. We talked for a lil bit well he was getting things ready for the grill. He said that we would scene later to help me brain have a break.
I got dolled up because of the party and got my pictures taken which I loved. I had my first rope scene since moving down and it was a great relaxer.
M had a girlfriend(N) and at one point he made the comment to me that he might be in the same place I was by the end of the night. I knew N because they had been together for a long time. After I got done with my rope scene I could tell when I saw M that N had broken up with him. We talked a lil bit and made the packed that we were going to let the exs ruin our trip we were going to make sure that each other had fun. He told me the reason that they broke up was she wanted something different.
On tuesday night, Jason dropped my of at the house and him and M talked for a bit then Jason left. I went inside and M finished packing up the camper and joined me inside. We talked for a bit about how he was doing since like me N still lived with him. He talked for a while and said she seemed happier now and that she would be home later and she even suggested that we scene if we wanted. I wasn't in the mood to scene right then and he wasn't either. He asked if there was anything that was of limits for the trip like sex. I told him i could do what I wanted. We watch TV for a bit the he said that he had to finish packing and then get the toys he was taking ready. I went to get in my pjs and brush my teeth.
As I walked by the toy room He called out for me to come in for a second he wanted to show me a toy. I love looking and feeling new toys! He smacked me a few times litely with it then he went harder with me bent over a massage table. Inpropt to scene insued for about 5-6 mins and I had pretty marks on my butt for the new toy which is one of the reasons I love new toys. Jason texted through the evening and he called and we talked and I told him I had pretty marks. N came home and we said hi and then we both were busy texting.
(I don't have a lot of friends that are girls because I feel acward around them.) So other then polite convo we didn't say much then we went to sleep.
M and N had to work the next day so after setting watching TV for a while I felt like I needed to do something with all the energy I had. I noticed that there was laundry that could be done so I text M to asked about the clothes to make sure I knew what was dirty and what was clean. I dryed and folded everything that was there put away the towels and stuff that went in the linen closet. M texted me and said I was a good girl and that I would get a reward when he got home.
This is the part I haven't told a soul. He said Hatchi. I responded with a giggle. So when he got home he took me to the play room. He took off my clothes and used the wand on me and his fingers. I enjoyed it alot and the before I knew what happened he had pulled me to the edge and was in me.. I was kinda in shock but I just went with it because we were to unattached adults. After I went to take a quik shower. Then he went to take a shower and other group member start to show up. Everything got packed in the vicheles and we split up into to vichiles. N was driving one and there were mostly girls in the group so I choose to ride in the truck with that M was driving and another male was in because as I said before I don't do great with females.
I was mostly in my own world because Jason was texting a ton and I was dealing with that even though this trip was supposed to be about me having space and figureing things out in my head. So I was getting frusrated that he wasn't giving me that.
We stopped For food meeting up with a couple from the group that was going too. She(X) was one of the few females that I got along with so when they went out for a smoke I went out with them so I could talk with her. m smoked so he came too.
We stopped late at a motel for the night which had been the plan all along and the guys opted to get two rooms because of how many there were of us. I had the room keys so i opend up both rooms set my stuff in one and told people to pick a room. M and I ended up being the only two in the one room. I called Jason to tell him we had stopped and that I was crashing we proceeded to get in a fight and I finally just tole him it was late and I was going to bed. Well, I was on the phone N came in the room for a bit. Her and M got in a fight I am guessing because she left.
I was feeling so stress and felt so a lone that when M suggest I come over to his bed and cuddle I did because I just wanted to feel close to someone. He started to kiss my neck and we ended up having sex. again. I woke up in the morning and got ready for the day. I called Jason to let him know we were up and heading out soon. I did tell him about cuddling with M but I was not in the mood for a lecture about not using protection since that was one of the things I was supposed to be doing. ( I have a bad habit of getting caught up in the moment and forgetting about protection.) Plus I figured M had only been with N for the past 3 years so I was sure he would be clean. Jason kept texting me all day and it was hard for me to deal it.
After we got to the camp everyone started to set up. M and N went and had a long convo in the camper and when he came out I felt something had changed. Wel N as helping someone else with a tent I asked M if the were back together or what was going on. All he said was that she was jealous and he was trying to apease her and we would talk later. I was like ok and he went to go help with the tent too. the other couple showed up and I started to hang out with them and kept dealing with jason's text and when he finally got around to asking if M and I had had sex ,which I knew was coming, I lied .
The next morning I woke up and had some mucsle cramping so I knew I needed bananas and also an electic cord for my air matress. N was the one who took us into town and I sat in the way back because there were too many people to all be in the back set of the jeep. Every store we went into I felt like N was trying to keep me as afr away from M as posible.We went to a few stores then N went in to a store to go to an atm so I text M. I ask how he was doing and told him that I felt like N wanted me now were near him. He said that she was being a bitch and he was sorry.
I was still dealing with Jason texting me every hour or so wanting to know what I was doing. I texted and asked M if he was still going to give me a beating that night or if I should ask someone else. I knew I really needed one but understood if he didn't feel he could do it. He said that he was still planning on it.
I hug out with X a lot and the went to the water wrestling which was tons of fun. I met Superman( nickname for his underwear he was wearing. I decided to wresle him even though he was like 6'5 and total mucsle. I took him down ( though I cheated a lill because I aciddently scartched him.) After that we used the trap as a slip and slide. At one point a cute guy came up and talked to us. He was in a kilt and had floogers hanging off his side and I thought of trying to find him later to try them out. lol
After that I headed back to the campsite to get dryed off before it was opening cerimonies. Jason called and we talked and fought again and I finally said enough to him I told him I was not going to talk to him for at least the next 24 hours because I needed the space to think and just have fun. By the time I got done talking to him everyone had already left so I ran to catch up to them.
They were all seating toward the back so i found a spot by M to tell him when we got back I needed to give him my phone so I couldn't talk to Jason because I didn't trust my self not to answer if he text or called. He said ok. opening ceremony was fun and made me feel a lil more relaxed. They had a special drink for duck stock and at the end they had every line up to get some. I didn't want any because h knew I had been drinking too much that day already.
When I got back the only person there was M. he was on his phone talking to his kid on the phone. I told himhe needed to start having fun and stop letting her ruin it per are agreement. I went to my tent to grab my phone I opened the camper door and stepped up on the steps so I could hand him my phone. As I was steeping back down N came back and she looked pissed. I just sat as far away from the camper as I could and waited for everyone to get back. As dinner cooked and we ate I sat next to X and could feel N's eyes on me the whole time and when I looked over she had a look on her face that if the could kill I would be dead.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore I walked over to her and asked her if she had a problem with me. She looked suprised and you could see she was biting her tongue. She said no. and I knew she was lieing by the way she was looking away from me when she said it. I went to my tent deciding that I was just not going to be part of the group for the rest of the trip and went to burring my head in a book which is my safe place.
About three minutes later there was a nock on my tent. N asked if she could come in. She said that she was not going to be there long. She said that she did not want drama started in her group and that I should have pulled her to the side if I wanted to talk to her. I said that she was the one causeing the drama because everyone could see the looks she was giving me and that she should have talked to me. She said that she didn't care if I wanted to be with M but that I should respect her enough to not flount it in her face and brought up the beating that I shouldn't have done with him. That was when I knew that he had lied to me. She said they were together for three year and that this was really hard on her and I was like then why did you brake up with him and she told me he cheated on her. that was when I was totally shattered. I told her that everything we had done he had be the one to start it.
I was shacking I was so divisated how had I read him soooo sooo wrong? Some one I thought I knew and could trust had lied to me and used the fact that I was so varible to use me. I asked someone to get my phone and I called Jason to come get me. He knew something was wrong when I called him I couldn't even talk for the first minute I was crying so hard. When I told him what had happened he was pissed. He was going to come get me.
M tryed to talk his way out of it and finally came clean to N. She apoligized to me and talked me into staying for the weekend. I talked Jason and told him I needed to stay. I did and I went to some classes and stayed as far away from M as I could get. I was hoping that I could ride with someone else but there was no such luck everyone either had left already or wasn't going straight home. so I rode in the back and barely said a word the whole ride home I slept most of it which I knew wasn't good because the on;y time I slept in a vichele was when I was sick. I called Jason when we were about an hour from M's house so that he could head out and I wouldn't have to be there long after we got there.
When we returned and everything was pulled out the other male left and it was just M and I there. He went inside and I sat with my stuff in the yard trying to will Jason to be there. He came out and sat on the steps. He said he owed me an apolygy and said he shouldn't have put me in that situation. I looked at him and asked him why he lied because I would have understand and that he had put even more stress on my when he already knew how much I was dealing with and that I was probably going to be sick from all the stress. I told him he probably wasn't going to be seeing me around the groups for a while. he told me that he was quiting fet and not going to be a leader anymore until he got things straight in his head.
He went inside I sat with tears running down my face as Jason pulled in the drive. He rushed over and asked what happened and if I was ok. I told him I just wanted to go home.
It took me a couple of months to go to a party but He wasn't supposed to be there so I thought it would be safe and I didn't want him to have that much power in my life. He was there and it took everything I had not to run away but I held my ground because I wanted to learn what they were teaching at the educational. Jason stayed close and thankfully M stayed far away. We didn't stay for the play party after though. It took me over 6 months to even be ok with doing public scening again and I have to still keep this memory locked up tight or it comes in my head well scening and I have a hard time pushing past it.
I miss scening with other people as the top. Every top has a different way of doing things and I love learning from that. I just don't trust myself anymore to pick a top. I used to jump on the chance with someone new because I trusted my insticist to tell me I was safe. Now I feel like that is gone and if sucks. I am just trying and hoping someone will have advice on how I can trust myself again.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Venting
I know that this is not the blog that I promised you but I need to vent.
So as you have read I don't talk to my adoptive parents and with most of the family. I have some of them on my facebook because they want to be friends and know what is going on in my life.
Now don't get me wrong I would love to have my parents in my life and let them know what is going on. I have written them two letters of apology and tried calling a few times. I have gotten nothing in return. Which sucks and I try to say it is their lose and everything but it hurts and sucks. All or something I didn't do but they think I did.
Well today my dad is going in for a complicated open heart surgery and no one called or even pmed me to let me know. I found out when my sister posted to her wall.
I just will feel really bad if dad dies still not talking to me. If he does am I even going to be wanted at the funeral? I just hate feeling this way!!
So as you have read I don't talk to my adoptive parents and with most of the family. I have some of them on my facebook because they want to be friends and know what is going on in my life.
Now don't get me wrong I would love to have my parents in my life and let them know what is going on. I have written them two letters of apology and tried calling a few times. I have gotten nothing in return. Which sucks and I try to say it is their lose and everything but it hurts and sucks. All or something I didn't do but they think I did.
Well today my dad is going in for a complicated open heart surgery and no one called or even pmed me to let me know. I found out when my sister posted to her wall.
I just will feel really bad if dad dies still not talking to me. If he does am I even going to be wanted at the funeral? I just hate feeling this way!!
Monday, February 3, 2014
the past part 2
So starting in the ninth grade I started to make my own friends and finding out who I was and where I fit in. I started dating. First it was my friend Jonathon who was the same age as me and we figured out that we were better as just friends really fast and he is into kink which is awesome.(We will get to that later promise.) The next guy I dated was named John and he was two years older then me. The only time we got to see each other was at school. Till I decided to go to his house after school one day because no one was going to be home at mine but my brother anyways. Well that made my parents hate him even more then they already did. They told me that I had to break up with him which of course I didn't. My dad decided to make us walk to school one day and one of my friends that happened to be who he rode to school with picked me up unknown to me my dad had followed us to see if I met up with John. I was then told that I was not allowed to get rides to school with friends. I said well if you don't want me to ride with them then you have to give me a ride. That was about the time my parents and I got into a fight and it was my first trip to a kind of half way house for troubled teens ( called turning point) because they said I tried to run away.
I sent a week in there which was actually better then home. I got to watch TV and interact with other kids my age. It sucked because I didn't get to see my friends. I liked the school better because I could work at my own pace which meant I i didn't have to wait to learn new things like at school. The staff didn't understand why I was there and loved having me. But my parents figured out that I liked it there so they decided to take me home. The counselor there did tell them that I should be allowed to get a job or they were going to end up having more problems with me. Which was a blessing because they actually listened and I got my first job.
I worked in a daycare not far from my school or home which meant I didn't have to watch my brother so much. I had to put at least half my check in savings but then I could use the rest to but whatever I wanted which was a TV then a stereo. I finally could start to buy what I liked instead of what my parents thought I could have.
I have to put in here that even though I was dating John I never let my grades slip or skipped school or anything like that. In fact my grades got better well dating him and I made student of the month. (Even though my parents wanted to argue that I was going to let my grades slip.
That summer I was still dating John even though my parents disapproved.I think that was the main reason that I stayed with him even when I found out he had cheated on me.( I also blame this on my polyamory because of me thinking oh will he has needs and I can't fix them but she can so good for him.) I snuck out mornings to go see him and my parents thought I was at work if they came home and I wasn't there. because they left at 6 am. Which I would be out the door right after them. and wouldn't come back till 10 am or so and by then I was at work most of the time. And just for the record I never had sex with him well we dated in high school.
In the end of July beginning of august my parents had one of the trips again but Romans parents couldn't watch us for the time they were gone. So instead of cancelling there trip they did a surprising thing. They let me stay with my friend Diana who was not from church and didn't go to church and my brother stayed with one of his school friends.
That was when I saw how a normal family worked. I didn't even have to hide seeing John. Even though my parents told them not to let me see him. They said that I should be able to see who I wanted and they trusted my decision making.
things went ok till the beginning of November. My parents got into a disagreement and they left and I stayed home outside. I went into the entry of my dads shop when it got dark so I could read. When they got home they didn't even look for me and called the cops saying I ran away. When the cops came I went inside. I told them where I was and the cop didn't like my attitude which I will admit was not great. The put me in JDC ( juvenile detention center). I was there for three weeks and then the day before thanksgiving I got moved to turning point again. My parents fought me getting moved but it didn't work.
I was there about a week and then the day I was supposed to have court I got pulled aside and told my mom had a heart attack. I felt so guilty. But then I thought it over in my head and went over how many times her doctor had warned her about her high cholesterol and blood pressure and that I really hadn't done anything wrong so I wouldn't allow myself to feel guilty.
My sister Kristy came and got me told me I was coming to live with her and her husband. ( i will mention that he was just getting out of rehab for the third time in his life.) She would have come sooner but no one had told her what was going on.( that's the family don't ask don't tell just act happy). The lived in Mn about 4 hours away so that ended me and John.
Well I lived with her she decided that since I was there for the kids she didn't have to be so if I wasn't at school or work I had the girls one of who was born while I was there. I got depressed about a year into it and thought about suicide. My sister read one of my journals where I had wrote that I had tried to do it but couldn't. I never actually did that I wrote it for two reasons one to see if she was snuping and two because i was thinking about doing it and thought if I wrote it done that it would help it did. So that got me out of a week of school well I got put on meds and everything.
MY grades had slipped serverly because of having to be a parent and student plus work part time. And when I saw my mom see told me everything happens for a reason and I was meant to be at my sister for the girls.( I know its fucked up.)
About two weeks after the suicide thing my sister told me that my real mom had passed away. She had been in the hospital for a while before that but my parents didn't want me to know. But because of the whole suicide thing they thought that I should get to decide if I wanted to go to the funeral. Which is where I counected with my sister Jodi and brother Micah again.
I got my eye brow prieced by a friend of Kristys that worked in a tattoo shop. She said if I wanted it I could have it I just was the one who had to tell my parents about it. Then the next week before I even had a chance to talk to them she told my mom that I just came home with it one day and she didn't know anything about it.
So I kept in touch with Jodi and talked to her alot. She even started to send me birthday gifts.
My Senior year was off to a great start because I was actually going to the comunity college instead of the high school and they were paying for everything. It was great about the second week in I got a new boyfriend named Jamie. He again was a couple of years older then I was but it was great. I had sex with him right before my 18th birthday. I had stopped taking my depression meds because they made me just blank and not be able to think and Kristy didn't even notice for 4 months. Jamie met my parents at thanksgiving when he went with us for a visit and my parents actually liked him. I think a big parent of that was that he was in the reserves.
In the spring Kristy started cheating on Jason and I was her cover. Shortly after that we went home for a visit and her and I got in a fight. I called Jodi to come get me and take me to a friends since she had to work.
Kristy left town with out me lying to my parents saying that Jodi was going to take me up the next day.
I ended up staying with Jodi. We went and got some of my stuff and Jamie came for a visit. I broke it off with him. (He wanted to get married and I knew he was not the one for me.)
I ended up being me for the summer having friends and parting. I had to go back to high school for a semester because of everything but I was ok with it. I had never got to be loose with no real rules but what I set. I then met Cory and that was the end to my dating for a long time.
School went well I only had to go for a half day and then I worked in the evenings. Micah came and stayed with us even a few times. I even had Fun on my Birthday for the first time I had friends and drinking.
At the beginning of november I started getting sick. I went to the er a few nights a week in serve pain. I finally got sent Mayo where I was dioginosed with Congential Hypatic Fibrosis. It means that my liver was turning it self into scar tissue. I also had an enlarged liver and spleen because of it.
Cory was great he stayed with me through everything. ?He proposed on New Years 2004/2005 and we set a date for augest 12th 2005. I then went dress shopping and found a dress that my parents instisted on paying for and the vail which I tried to talk them out of.
Cory's mom Kathy had hated me since they day we met and was always trying to brake us up. Even after I had moved in and everything. But When she found out that he was proposing and that I was going to be perminite she decided to give me a chance and we became the best of friends.
I then got pregnant. I found out in March and was due in Nov. I cancelled the wedding which my parents were not happy about and went to as far as to say that Cory was going to run. I laughed and said he hasn't run yet why would he now.
Kathy taught me how to knitted things for the baby and chorect. I was on bed rest after 6 months because of preterm labor and the execting health problems. Everyone kept telling me that as long as I was fine the baby would be fine. They lied. My daughter Rose was still born at 38 weeks, on Nov.9th. That is a pain that I will not wish on anyone.
The good thing is that I had someone one who know the loss of a child to help me. Kathy had lost a son at 2months so this stranthed our bond.
Micah lived with Cory and I off and on since he had turned 18 so he was my kid which it helped. I went with him to all his medical appointments He had the same liver disease that I have. he had a liver transplant right before he turn 21. I lived in Omaha for 3months with him.
In 2008 I got my disability aproved after 3 years of fighting with them. I was getting a big back payment so we decide to have our wedding.
I told my parents about it and they said that I should just go to the court house and not have a reception. They felt that since we had been together so long that we didn;t need a wedding and I told them that they hadn't thought I deserved a wedding since I defide them at 16. Kathy over heard how my parents had talked to me and she wrote them a letter. Which got turned into I made her do it. ( Showing they didn't know her at all because she was one person that you can't make do anything.)And they stopped talking to me.
I talked to them once more before the wedding to see if they were going to come and they informed me that the had a trip scheduled for that time.
And that is how I was shunned from the family.
Cory and I split in 2010 after he had a bike accident with head trama that made him want to fight all the time.
That is when I found KINK.
Till next time.
I sent a week in there which was actually better then home. I got to watch TV and interact with other kids my age. It sucked because I didn't get to see my friends. I liked the school better because I could work at my own pace which meant I i didn't have to wait to learn new things like at school. The staff didn't understand why I was there and loved having me. But my parents figured out that I liked it there so they decided to take me home. The counselor there did tell them that I should be allowed to get a job or they were going to end up having more problems with me. Which was a blessing because they actually listened and I got my first job.
I worked in a daycare not far from my school or home which meant I didn't have to watch my brother so much. I had to put at least half my check in savings but then I could use the rest to but whatever I wanted which was a TV then a stereo. I finally could start to buy what I liked instead of what my parents thought I could have.
I have to put in here that even though I was dating John I never let my grades slip or skipped school or anything like that. In fact my grades got better well dating him and I made student of the month. (Even though my parents wanted to argue that I was going to let my grades slip.
That summer I was still dating John even though my parents disapproved.I think that was the main reason that I stayed with him even when I found out he had cheated on me.( I also blame this on my polyamory because of me thinking oh will he has needs and I can't fix them but she can so good for him.) I snuck out mornings to go see him and my parents thought I was at work if they came home and I wasn't there. because they left at 6 am. Which I would be out the door right after them. and wouldn't come back till 10 am or so and by then I was at work most of the time. And just for the record I never had sex with him well we dated in high school.
In the end of July beginning of august my parents had one of the trips again but Romans parents couldn't watch us for the time they were gone. So instead of cancelling there trip they did a surprising thing. They let me stay with my friend Diana who was not from church and didn't go to church and my brother stayed with one of his school friends.
That was when I saw how a normal family worked. I didn't even have to hide seeing John. Even though my parents told them not to let me see him. They said that I should be able to see who I wanted and they trusted my decision making.
things went ok till the beginning of November. My parents got into a disagreement and they left and I stayed home outside. I went into the entry of my dads shop when it got dark so I could read. When they got home they didn't even look for me and called the cops saying I ran away. When the cops came I went inside. I told them where I was and the cop didn't like my attitude which I will admit was not great. The put me in JDC ( juvenile detention center). I was there for three weeks and then the day before thanksgiving I got moved to turning point again. My parents fought me getting moved but it didn't work.
I was there about a week and then the day I was supposed to have court I got pulled aside and told my mom had a heart attack. I felt so guilty. But then I thought it over in my head and went over how many times her doctor had warned her about her high cholesterol and blood pressure and that I really hadn't done anything wrong so I wouldn't allow myself to feel guilty.
My sister Kristy came and got me told me I was coming to live with her and her husband. ( i will mention that he was just getting out of rehab for the third time in his life.) She would have come sooner but no one had told her what was going on.( that's the family don't ask don't tell just act happy). The lived in Mn about 4 hours away so that ended me and John.
Well I lived with her she decided that since I was there for the kids she didn't have to be so if I wasn't at school or work I had the girls one of who was born while I was there. I got depressed about a year into it and thought about suicide. My sister read one of my journals where I had wrote that I had tried to do it but couldn't. I never actually did that I wrote it for two reasons one to see if she was snuping and two because i was thinking about doing it and thought if I wrote it done that it would help it did. So that got me out of a week of school well I got put on meds and everything.
MY grades had slipped serverly because of having to be a parent and student plus work part time. And when I saw my mom see told me everything happens for a reason and I was meant to be at my sister for the girls.( I know its fucked up.)
About two weeks after the suicide thing my sister told me that my real mom had passed away. She had been in the hospital for a while before that but my parents didn't want me to know. But because of the whole suicide thing they thought that I should get to decide if I wanted to go to the funeral. Which is where I counected with my sister Jodi and brother Micah again.
I got my eye brow prieced by a friend of Kristys that worked in a tattoo shop. She said if I wanted it I could have it I just was the one who had to tell my parents about it. Then the next week before I even had a chance to talk to them she told my mom that I just came home with it one day and she didn't know anything about it.
So I kept in touch with Jodi and talked to her alot. She even started to send me birthday gifts.
My Senior year was off to a great start because I was actually going to the comunity college instead of the high school and they were paying for everything. It was great about the second week in I got a new boyfriend named Jamie. He again was a couple of years older then I was but it was great. I had sex with him right before my 18th birthday. I had stopped taking my depression meds because they made me just blank and not be able to think and Kristy didn't even notice for 4 months. Jamie met my parents at thanksgiving when he went with us for a visit and my parents actually liked him. I think a big parent of that was that he was in the reserves.
In the spring Kristy started cheating on Jason and I was her cover. Shortly after that we went home for a visit and her and I got in a fight. I called Jodi to come get me and take me to a friends since she had to work.
Kristy left town with out me lying to my parents saying that Jodi was going to take me up the next day.
I ended up staying with Jodi. We went and got some of my stuff and Jamie came for a visit. I broke it off with him. (He wanted to get married and I knew he was not the one for me.)
I ended up being me for the summer having friends and parting. I had to go back to high school for a semester because of everything but I was ok with it. I had never got to be loose with no real rules but what I set. I then met Cory and that was the end to my dating for a long time.
School went well I only had to go for a half day and then I worked in the evenings. Micah came and stayed with us even a few times. I even had Fun on my Birthday for the first time I had friends and drinking.
At the beginning of november I started getting sick. I went to the er a few nights a week in serve pain. I finally got sent Mayo where I was dioginosed with Congential Hypatic Fibrosis. It means that my liver was turning it self into scar tissue. I also had an enlarged liver and spleen because of it.
Cory was great he stayed with me through everything. ?He proposed on New Years 2004/2005 and we set a date for augest 12th 2005. I then went dress shopping and found a dress that my parents instisted on paying for and the vail which I tried to talk them out of.
Cory's mom Kathy had hated me since they day we met and was always trying to brake us up. Even after I had moved in and everything. But When she found out that he was proposing and that I was going to be perminite she decided to give me a chance and we became the best of friends.
I then got pregnant. I found out in March and was due in Nov. I cancelled the wedding which my parents were not happy about and went to as far as to say that Cory was going to run. I laughed and said he hasn't run yet why would he now.
Kathy taught me how to knitted things for the baby and chorect. I was on bed rest after 6 months because of preterm labor and the execting health problems. Everyone kept telling me that as long as I was fine the baby would be fine. They lied. My daughter Rose was still born at 38 weeks, on Nov.9th. That is a pain that I will not wish on anyone.
The good thing is that I had someone one who know the loss of a child to help me. Kathy had lost a son at 2months so this stranthed our bond.
Micah lived with Cory and I off and on since he had turned 18 so he was my kid which it helped. I went with him to all his medical appointments He had the same liver disease that I have. he had a liver transplant right before he turn 21. I lived in Omaha for 3months with him.
In 2008 I got my disability aproved after 3 years of fighting with them. I was getting a big back payment so we decide to have our wedding.
I told my parents about it and they said that I should just go to the court house and not have a reception. They felt that since we had been together so long that we didn;t need a wedding and I told them that they hadn't thought I deserved a wedding since I defide them at 16. Kathy over heard how my parents had talked to me and she wrote them a letter. Which got turned into I made her do it. ( Showing they didn't know her at all because she was one person that you can't make do anything.)And they stopped talking to me.
I talked to them once more before the wedding to see if they were going to come and they informed me that the had a trip scheduled for that time.
And that is how I was shunned from the family.
Cory and I split in 2010 after he had a bike accident with head trama that made him want to fight all the time.
That is when I found KINK.
Till next time.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Intro to basic Part 1
Lets start at the beginning of me and my life. It is important to know where you come from and the mistakes you have. I am hoping that putting everything down on paper that I will learn more that i missed about myself to find where I am in life now. I am hoping people find inspiration from this and find something that speaks to them.
I was born in the small town of Milbank, SD on Oct 11th 1984. (No I don't have a problem with people seeing how old I am). I am the third of four kids and the second girl. I was allergic to most everything when I was a baby. So much so I almost died my first Christmas because my parents got a live tree that I had a serious reaction to. I was baptized with my older brother then air lifted to the nearest child hospital. I am a fighter so I survived.
I have very little memory before i was 6 because of trauma from my pedophile and abusive father. We were taken away from my parents and went into foster care. My two older siblings went to one foster home and I and my younger brother went to a different one. The one memory that I have of being in foster care is one night the older kids were watching us and the force feed me black olives until I puked. As a result I can't eat them or smell them without wanting to throw up.
At the age of 6 I meet my adoptive parents. They took the the three older of us. My youngest brother, Micah, was very sick so he stayed with the foster parents who adopted him into their family. The three of us staying together did not stand for long though. My Sister,Jodi, the oldest was too headstrong and didn't want to be adopted. So in the end my brother, Dale, and I were together.Which since we were the closest in ages (only 18 months to the day) was meant we always had someone to lean on.
My parents were older when they adopted us and already had kids that were grown up. The youngest of their children was 16, her name is Kristy. The next was Julie. Randy was there oldest and only biological child. He was married to the sweetest women named Cindy.
I was a child who wanted to please her parents. My dad and I went everywhere together. My mom ran a daycare out of her home and as soon as I was finished with school I would help entertain the kids or do anything that she needed to be done. Looking back at this now I know that it was my need to serve and be submissive that made me that way as a kid.
Getting great grade and wanting to learn everything that I could was how I was when it came to school. I set my own bedtime to make sure I was well rested. I read at least three books a week (chapter books always the bigger the better.)
As far as my parents were concerned the only things that mattered was church activities, getting good grades and exercising. I only ever went to one friends birthday and that was when I was 8. We went to church every Wednesday for AWANA ( learning verses and playing games.) and Sunday for Sunday school and church. I also walked to and from school everyday which was about a mile and a half one way.On top of that we walked about 5 miles on Saturday most of the time.
Starting when I was in 6th grade my brother started acting out stealing and lying. My parents made me in charge of him to make sure that he didn't get in trouble when they were gone. This meant that I couldn't play with my friends at their house because he was at home. Despite it only be the two of us we got along most of the time and always found something to do.
One of the things that my parents did once a year was go on a bus tour of older people which meant we stayed with Dale's old foster parents. They had a son named Roman that was the same age as me. He was the first boy that I ever kissed. I was 12 at the time. All the kids where watching TV downstairs with the lights out and we just decided to start kissing. It was so fun. He started kissing my neck and left hickeys!!!! So the next day I wore a sweat shirt to try to hid them and kept rubbing them freaking out about what his mom was going to say when she finally noticed. I went for a long walk and the mosquito's were really bad. She finally noticed and I played dumb. She came up with the conclusion that I had got bit and had made them bruise from rubbing them.(LOL they still don't know the truth!).
I was very close to my grandmother Nellie. We would go see her every weekend to help her go shopping for things that she needed and to get her out of the house. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's so when I was ten we had to put her in a home. I then would go see her as much as I could. Watching someone slowly forget that you are there grandchild is very hard. I was thankful for when she passed because she didn't know anyone which made her wither away in body and spirit. She was the first death that I had of someone close to me.
At the start of 8th grade I started to realize that I could never please my parents and this was the start of me trying to find what made me happy since I couldn't please them.
NEXT TIME: the rest of the past
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