So I am going to open a wound so that hopefully it will help me. But I have no idea if it will but here goes.
Almost a year ago I went to my first big BDSM funtion. Duckstock. I had just broken up with Jason as my boyfriend and we were trying to figure out where we went from there. I went with a group from the Society which made me feel like I could go without him and still be in the safety of poeple I trusted.
Jason and I had talked to a leader and what I thought was a friend at the time. We will call him M. We both had known my for the year and a half that we had been in the Society and I had scened with him a hand full of times. Which is to say I trusted him. M promised Jason that he would look after me and that he wouldn't let any harm come to me. ( When I get in a place around alot of dominant people I am kinda like a kid in a candy store that wants to try everything but doesn't think of the stomach ach it will cause after.) I sometimes push myself to please others even if it might cause me harm. I also forget to eat and if not reminded to. M promised he would make sure I ate and if I wanted to play that I had to make sure he knew who I was going to play with and keep an eye out for me. He said that his friend x would help if he needed it.
The weekend before the event I went to a party in Wilmington by myself because Jason didn't want to dress up. I figured this would let me feel more comfortable with having to spend the night before we left at m's house because that was where the party was at. It also allowed me to bring my stuff to get packed up before tuesday night.
When I got there everything was normal and M asked how I was doing with the whole break up thing with Jason. We talked for a lil bit well he was getting things ready for the grill. He said that we would scene later to help me brain have a break.
I got dolled up because of the party and got my pictures taken which I loved. I had my first rope scene since moving down and it was a great relaxer.
M had a girlfriend(N) and at one point he made the comment to me that he might be in the same place I was by the end of the night. I knew N because they had been together for a long time. After I got done with my rope scene I could tell when I saw M that N had broken up with him. We talked a lil bit and made the packed that we were going to let the exs ruin our trip we were going to make sure that each other had fun. He told me the reason that they broke up was she wanted something different.
On tuesday night, Jason dropped my of at the house and him and M talked for a bit then Jason left. I went inside and M finished packing up the camper and joined me inside. We talked for a bit about how he was doing since like me N still lived with him. He talked for a while and said she seemed happier now and that she would be home later and she even suggested that we scene if we wanted. I wasn't in the mood to scene right then and he wasn't either. He asked if there was anything that was of limits for the trip like sex. I told him i could do what I wanted. We watch TV for a bit the he said that he had to finish packing and then get the toys he was taking ready. I went to get in my pjs and brush my teeth.
As I walked by the toy room He called out for me to come in for a second he wanted to show me a toy. I love looking and feeling new toys! He smacked me a few times litely with it then he went harder with me bent over a massage table. Inpropt to scene insued for about 5-6 mins and I had pretty marks on my butt for the new toy which is one of the reasons I love new toys. Jason texted through the evening and he called and we talked and I told him I had pretty marks. N came home and we said hi and then we both were busy texting.
(I don't have a lot of friends that are girls because I feel acward around them.) So other then polite convo we didn't say much then we went to sleep.
M and N had to work the next day so after setting watching TV for a while I felt like I needed to do something with all the energy I had. I noticed that there was laundry that could be done so I text M to asked about the clothes to make sure I knew what was dirty and what was clean. I dryed and folded everything that was there put away the towels and stuff that went in the linen closet. M texted me and said I was a good girl and that I would get a reward when he got home.
This is the part I haven't told a soul. He said Hatchi. I responded with a giggle. So when he got home he took me to the play room. He took off my clothes and used the wand on me and his fingers. I enjoyed it alot and the before I knew what happened he had pulled me to the edge and was in me.. I was kinda in shock but I just went with it because we were to unattached adults. After I went to take a quik shower. Then he went to take a shower and other group member start to show up. Everything got packed in the vicheles and we split up into to vichiles. N was driving one and there were mostly girls in the group so I choose to ride in the truck with that M was driving and another male was in because as I said before I don't do great with females.
I was mostly in my own world because Jason was texting a ton and I was dealing with that even though this trip was supposed to be about me having space and figureing things out in my head. So I was getting frusrated that he wasn't giving me that.
We stopped For food meeting up with a couple from the group that was going too. She(X) was one of the few females that I got along with so when they went out for a smoke I went out with them so I could talk with her. m smoked so he came too.
We stopped late at a motel for the night which had been the plan all along and the guys opted to get two rooms because of how many there were of us. I had the room keys so i opend up both rooms set my stuff in one and told people to pick a room. M and I ended up being the only two in the one room. I called Jason to tell him we had stopped and that I was crashing we proceeded to get in a fight and I finally just tole him it was late and I was going to bed. Well, I was on the phone N came in the room for a bit. Her and M got in a fight I am guessing because she left.
I was feeling so stress and felt so a lone that when M suggest I come over to his bed and cuddle I did because I just wanted to feel close to someone. He started to kiss my neck and we ended up having sex. again. I woke up in the morning and got ready for the day. I called Jason to let him know we were up and heading out soon. I did tell him about cuddling with M but I was not in the mood for a lecture about not using protection since that was one of the things I was supposed to be doing. ( I have a bad habit of getting caught up in the moment and forgetting about protection.) Plus I figured M had only been with N for the past 3 years so I was sure he would be clean. Jason kept texting me all day and it was hard for me to deal it.
After we got to the camp everyone started to set up. M and N went and had a long convo in the camper and when he came out I felt something had changed. Wel N as helping someone else with a tent I asked M if the were back together or what was going on. All he said was that she was jealous and he was trying to apease her and we would talk later. I was like ok and he went to go help with the tent too. the other couple showed up and I started to hang out with them and kept dealing with jason's text and when he finally got around to asking if M and I had had sex ,which I knew was coming, I lied .
The next morning I woke up and had some mucsle cramping so I knew I needed bananas and also an electic cord for my air matress. N was the one who took us into town and I sat in the way back because there were too many people to all be in the back set of the jeep. Every store we went into I felt like N was trying to keep me as afr away from M as posible.We went to a few stores then N went in to a store to go to an atm so I text M. I ask how he was doing and told him that I felt like N wanted me now were near him. He said that she was being a bitch and he was sorry.
I was still dealing with Jason texting me every hour or so wanting to know what I was doing. I texted and asked M if he was still going to give me a beating that night or if I should ask someone else. I knew I really needed one but understood if he didn't feel he could do it. He said that he was still planning on it.
I hug out with X a lot and the went to the water wrestling which was tons of fun. I met Superman( nickname for his underwear he was wearing. I decided to wresle him even though he was like 6'5 and total mucsle. I took him down ( though I cheated a lill because I aciddently scartched him.) After that we used the trap as a slip and slide. At one point a cute guy came up and talked to us. He was in a kilt and had floogers hanging off his side and I thought of trying to find him later to try them out. lol
After that I headed back to the campsite to get dryed off before it was opening cerimonies. Jason called and we talked and fought again and I finally said enough to him I told him I was not going to talk to him for at least the next 24 hours because I needed the space to think and just have fun. By the time I got done talking to him everyone had already left so I ran to catch up to them.
They were all seating toward the back so i found a spot by M to tell him when we got back I needed to give him my phone so I couldn't talk to Jason because I didn't trust my self not to answer if he text or called. He said ok. opening ceremony was fun and made me feel a lil more relaxed. They had a special drink for duck stock and at the end they had every line up to get some. I didn't want any because h knew I had been drinking too much that day already.
When I got back the only person there was M. he was on his phone talking to his kid on the phone. I told himhe needed to start having fun and stop letting her ruin it per are agreement. I went to my tent to grab my phone I opened the camper door and stepped up on the steps so I could hand him my phone. As I was steeping back down N came back and she looked pissed. I just sat as far away from the camper as I could and waited for everyone to get back. As dinner cooked and we ate I sat next to X and could feel N's eyes on me the whole time and when I looked over she had a look on her face that if the could kill I would be dead.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore I walked over to her and asked her if she had a problem with me. She looked suprised and you could see she was biting her tongue. She said no. and I knew she was lieing by the way she was looking away from me when she said it. I went to my tent deciding that I was just not going to be part of the group for the rest of the trip and went to burring my head in a book which is my safe place.
About three minutes later there was a nock on my tent. N asked if she could come in. She said that she was not going to be there long. She said that she did not want drama started in her group and that I should have pulled her to the side if I wanted to talk to her. I said that she was the one causeing the drama because everyone could see the looks she was giving me and that she should have talked to me. She said that she didn't care if I wanted to be with M but that I should respect her enough to not flount it in her face and brought up the beating that I shouldn't have done with him. That was when I knew that he had lied to me. She said they were together for three year and that this was really hard on her and I was like then why did you brake up with him and she told me he cheated on her. that was when I was totally shattered. I told her that everything we had done he had be the one to start it.
I was shacking I was so divisated how had I read him soooo sooo wrong? Some one I thought I knew and could trust had lied to me and used the fact that I was so varible to use me. I asked someone to get my phone and I called Jason to come get me. He knew something was wrong when I called him I couldn't even talk for the first minute I was crying so hard. When I told him what had happened he was pissed. He was going to come get me.
M tryed to talk his way out of it and finally came clean to N. She apoligized to me and talked me into staying for the weekend. I talked Jason and told him I needed to stay. I did and I went to some classes and stayed as far away from M as I could get. I was hoping that I could ride with someone else but there was no such luck everyone either had left already or wasn't going straight home. so I rode in the back and barely said a word the whole ride home I slept most of it which I knew wasn't good because the on;y time I slept in a vichele was when I was sick. I called Jason when we were about an hour from M's house so that he could head out and I wouldn't have to be there long after we got there.
When we returned and everything was pulled out the other male left and it was just M and I there. He went inside and I sat with my stuff in the yard trying to will Jason to be there. He came out and sat on the steps. He said he owed me an apolygy and said he shouldn't have put me in that situation. I looked at him and asked him why he lied because I would have understand and that he had put even more stress on my when he already knew how much I was dealing with and that I was probably going to be sick from all the stress. I told him he probably wasn't going to be seeing me around the groups for a while. he told me that he was quiting fet and not going to be a leader anymore until he got things straight in his head.
He went inside I sat with tears running down my face as Jason pulled in the drive. He rushed over and asked what happened and if I was ok. I told him I just wanted to go home.
It took me a couple of months to go to a party but He wasn't supposed to be there so I thought it would be safe and I didn't want him to have that much power in my life. He was there and it took everything I had not to run away but I held my ground because I wanted to learn what they were teaching at the educational. Jason stayed close and thankfully M stayed far away. We didn't stay for the play party after though. It took me over 6 months to even be ok with doing public scening again and I have to still keep this memory locked up tight or it comes in my head well scening and I have a hard time pushing past it.
I miss scening with other people as the top. Every top has a different way of doing things and I love learning from that. I just don't trust myself anymore to pick a top. I used to jump on the chance with someone new because I trusted my insticist to tell me I was safe. Now I feel like that is gone and if sucks. I am just trying and hoping someone will have advice on how I can trust myself again.
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